I was 13, a 'teenager' if you want to call it that. I get up one morning and say to my Ricky Martin poster "I have realised something chico. The languages being 'taught' to me in school are not enabling me to decipher this highly complex world. I don't know how to break this to you but I have decided something, I am going to learn French."
After mustering all my courage and draping my only dupatta on the poster, I walk up to this temple hall like place one evening to meet up with this famous french professor I had heard about.
The temple hall was this rundown place which held karate classes in the evening and would moonlight as a french school on school nights.
I stand outside the temple hall. Around me a bunch of fresh-out-of-karate class 8 year olds are arguing with each other. They all look pumped up on sugar.
First brat: I have a blue belt what about you?
Second brat(with arrogance): I have a brown belt
Third brat(with pride): I have a yellow belt
First two brats: eee.. yellow yellow dirty fellow
And they start kicking in the air..
"Enough", I say to myself and enter the temple hall.
I am welcomed with fresh foreign abuses "Sapajou"..."Batarde".. I look around. A tall man in his late forties is yelling at a 15 year old boy. "You rascal.. Why are you staring outside the window again and again? I am correcting your book here and you are more interested in the views of the outside world. Is your girlfriend waiting outside?" The frightened boy replies "No Sir". Sir goes on (ignoring his reply) "Well then ask her to lay out a mattress on the ground and sleep there. You are not getting out of here anytime soon."
The boy (by now on the verge of collapse): Yes Sir
Sir (just getting warmed up) : Shut up you rascal
And thus began my french connection...
It was a roller coaster ride..
From getting my education in high level french abuses to watching Sir bang his fist on his desk which also housed a goldfish bowl (the goldfish never survived long enough much to Sir's astonishment)I saw it all.
Around 50 teenagers occupied the temple hall taking candle sticks in their hands whenever the power was out and listened to Sir as he gave his own rendition of 'The Last Supper'.
I baby sitted his dog, I trained the dog to chase some people around.. and I also learned French..
In the end it turned out to be an enriching experience!!
Friday, September 11, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Chai Ho!
My comments on the slumdog movie have been long overdue. Well I had reconsidered and came to the conclusion that I should save up my abuses for something more worthwhile. Alas..
Flashback:
Its 10.30 am, Oscar Day (Well night for them of course)
I hear a huge scream parading across my entire society. Being the 'updated' person that I am, I tune in to Star Movies where the Academy Awards was being telecasted. "Best Director-Danny Boyle"...."Best Film-Slumdog Millionaire". Switch Off. Switch on again. What about The Dark Knight?- Two oscars. It was as if they were compensatory awards-a tribute to the departed soul.
I move on to some of the news channels. Amidst all the celebrations I can still sense a feeling of confusion amongst the news reporters. I can imagine one of them thinking "8 oscars? Wow.I didn't even know that slumdog was nominated for so many. I knew we had a shot at Rahman. I mean why wouldn't we. His song 'Jai Ho' had become like an anthem for cheerleaders across the States. Brr...Brr.. I am supposed to be thinking postive things. Slumdog was brilliant. Never witnessed anything like it. I mean look at 'Jai Ho'. Rahman at his best. The lyrics especially 'Jai Ho, Jai ho, jai ho...'Brr.. Brr.. Think positive.. Raindrops and peaches and butterflies and lillies.. La la la la la la la".
Ok so that was my interpretation of their thoughts. It may not be one hundred percent accurate. But I know I was close. One reporter even went to the extent of saying "Don't you feel that Slumdog won because of its mass appeal and not because of its critical brilliance?"
Yeah so to all of you out there who are ready with your truck load of fire crackers and sweets, I know that deep down you didn't find the movie great either. But then you convince yourself by saying that if the people at the Oscars like it, then there must be something about it. So lets join the crowd.
Coz frankly the academy people dont know what they are doing half the time. I mean at a time when a brilliant movie like 'The Sixth Sense' was made, critical acclaim and commercial hit, the Academy people give away the award for best film to a ridiculously dumb movie 'American Beauty'. Why? Because the former was directed by an Indian and the latter by an American. Simliarly for 'Elizabeth' by Shekhar Kapoor and 'Namesake' by Mira Nair.
I have equal hatred for the Oscars in the States and the Filmfare in India. Both are just politically driven pieces of crap.
Personally I have nothing against slumdog. It was a decent movie. But the hype behind it was unjustifiable. We have seen better and made better. If slumdog got 8 oscars, 'Salaam Bombay' deserves 16.
I'll end this episode with a few tips.
How to make it big at the Oscars:
1) Get a white man to direct or produce or both if you want to make your chances really high.
2) Show India in its poorest light. Slums, backward traditions, poverty, the works.
3) Get a person as brilliant as Rahman and make him compose catchy tracks like 'Jai Ho', 'Ringa Ringa', 'O Saya'.. In short songs with minimal lyrics so that the people there can comprehend it.
4) Release it in the States first, create the hype and then bring it to India.
5) Have atleast one Bollywood dance number.
6) The movie should be preferably in English and make sure the actors have a thick Indian accent. The way Russel Peters describes it.
7) ...
I can go on with the list.. But you'll get a hang of it. Jus look outside your windows and breathe in the fresh slum air...Mmmmmmmmm
Flashback:
Its 10.30 am, Oscar Day (Well night for them of course)
I hear a huge scream parading across my entire society. Being the 'updated' person that I am, I tune in to Star Movies where the Academy Awards was being telecasted. "Best Director-Danny Boyle"...."Best Film-Slumdog Millionaire". Switch Off. Switch on again. What about The Dark Knight?- Two oscars. It was as if they were compensatory awards-a tribute to the departed soul.
I move on to some of the news channels. Amidst all the celebrations I can still sense a feeling of confusion amongst the news reporters. I can imagine one of them thinking "8 oscars? Wow.I didn't even know that slumdog was nominated for so many. I knew we had a shot at Rahman. I mean why wouldn't we. His song 'Jai Ho' had become like an anthem for cheerleaders across the States. Brr...Brr.. I am supposed to be thinking postive things. Slumdog was brilliant. Never witnessed anything like it. I mean look at 'Jai Ho'. Rahman at his best. The lyrics especially 'Jai Ho, Jai ho, jai ho...'Brr.. Brr.. Think positive.. Raindrops and peaches and butterflies and lillies.. La la la la la la la".
Ok so that was my interpretation of their thoughts. It may not be one hundred percent accurate. But I know I was close. One reporter even went to the extent of saying "Don't you feel that Slumdog won because of its mass appeal and not because of its critical brilliance?"
Yeah so to all of you out there who are ready with your truck load of fire crackers and sweets, I know that deep down you didn't find the movie great either. But then you convince yourself by saying that if the people at the Oscars like it, then there must be something about it. So lets join the crowd.
Coz frankly the academy people dont know what they are doing half the time. I mean at a time when a brilliant movie like 'The Sixth Sense' was made, critical acclaim and commercial hit, the Academy people give away the award for best film to a ridiculously dumb movie 'American Beauty'. Why? Because the former was directed by an Indian and the latter by an American. Simliarly for 'Elizabeth' by Shekhar Kapoor and 'Namesake' by Mira Nair.
I have equal hatred for the Oscars in the States and the Filmfare in India. Both are just politically driven pieces of crap.
Personally I have nothing against slumdog. It was a decent movie. But the hype behind it was unjustifiable. We have seen better and made better. If slumdog got 8 oscars, 'Salaam Bombay' deserves 16.
I'll end this episode with a few tips.
How to make it big at the Oscars:
1) Get a white man to direct or produce or both if you want to make your chances really high.
2) Show India in its poorest light. Slums, backward traditions, poverty, the works.
3) Get a person as brilliant as Rahman and make him compose catchy tracks like 'Jai Ho', 'Ringa Ringa', 'O Saya'.. In short songs with minimal lyrics so that the people there can comprehend it.
4) Release it in the States first, create the hype and then bring it to India.
5) Have atleast one Bollywood dance number.
6) The movie should be preferably in English and make sure the actors have a thick Indian accent. The way Russel Peters describes it.
7) ...
I can go on with the list.. But you'll get a hang of it. Jus look outside your windows and breathe in the fresh slum air...Mmmmmmmmm
Monday, January 19, 2009
The Thai funda
Eyes open
It is approximately 7 pm, Mumbai airport (International...hopefully)
Me: Why are we here so early?
Mom: Because the SOTC guy asked us to come at this time
Me: So where is he?
Mom: I have no idea. But lets just wait
Two hours later still no sign of SOTC guy. Not that I cared. I could handle it myself. I was the porter for 6 odd bags until now. Immigration forms cannot be that heavy.
Some formalities later..Eyes shut
Eyes open
I am walking through what is supposed to be an airport. But all I see are Persian carpets, tiffin boxes, more Persian carpets and lots of elderly people sitting on them.
Me: Where are we?
Mom: I told u not to drink so much of coffee…you are speaking gibberish
Walk, some more walk and a whole lot of wait later…. I see the light...Big white birdie... with purple wings... More purple inside...Alas! Thai Airways- As Smooth as silk
Thai Air Hostess: Sawasdee
Me: Oh Hi…I need a blanket
TAH: (big smile) Uhh.. later.. later
Me: No now now
TAH: (small smile) Okkk
Ahh!! Covered in purple warmth… Eyes shut
Eyes open
Everybody’s asleep… Hmm....I guess the food’s gone…So how can I kill some time?
Options:
1. The inflight magazine
2. Duty free
3. Music
4. Big screen movie
Option 4: Big screen movie: Nights in Rodanthe
Richard Gere and some white chick. I watch…and watch…Ok it is 3 in the night and they aren’t even doing anything. Wait they are doing something. Damn the hurricane... Oh wait they are back together... Damn Gere dies... THE END... Damn... I should have read the magazine.
The food’s gone, I was tortured by Richard Gere and the white chick and have lost on sleep. Great! Now the flight lands
At the exit:
Thai Air Hostess: (big smile) Thank you
Me: yeah yeah
DON’T ASK ME WHAT HAPPENED AFTERWARDS. IT TOOK ME TWO DAYS TO RECOVER MY LOST SLEEP. THE BLAND THAI FOOD DIDN’T HELP MUCH EITHER.
As for Thai airways, I flew with them for another three times in those coming 10 days. I learnt to dress up more warmly, order for only Indian vegetarian and speak minimal English. They loved me so much that they threw in a complimentary Harry potter movie (or so I assumed). All in all it was a good experience!
Thai Airways- As smooth as silk worm
It is approximately 7 pm, Mumbai airport (International...hopefully)
Me: Why are we here so early?
Mom: Because the SOTC guy asked us to come at this time
Me: So where is he?
Mom: I have no idea. But lets just wait
Two hours later still no sign of SOTC guy. Not that I cared. I could handle it myself. I was the porter for 6 odd bags until now. Immigration forms cannot be that heavy.
Some formalities later..Eyes shut
Eyes open
I am walking through what is supposed to be an airport. But all I see are Persian carpets, tiffin boxes, more Persian carpets and lots of elderly people sitting on them.
Me: Where are we?
Mom: I told u not to drink so much of coffee…you are speaking gibberish
Walk, some more walk and a whole lot of wait later…. I see the light...Big white birdie... with purple wings... More purple inside...Alas! Thai Airways- As Smooth as silk
Thai Air Hostess: Sawasdee
Me: Oh Hi…I need a blanket
TAH: (big smile) Uhh.. later.. later
Me: No now now
TAH: (small smile) Okkk
Ahh!! Covered in purple warmth… Eyes shut
Eyes open
Everybody’s asleep… Hmm....I guess the food’s gone…So how can I kill some time?
Options:
1. The inflight magazine
2. Duty free
3. Music
4. Big screen movie
Option 4: Big screen movie: Nights in Rodanthe
Richard Gere and some white chick. I watch…and watch…Ok it is 3 in the night and they aren’t even doing anything. Wait they are doing something. Damn the hurricane... Oh wait they are back together... Damn Gere dies... THE END... Damn... I should have read the magazine.
The food’s gone, I was tortured by Richard Gere and the white chick and have lost on sleep. Great! Now the flight lands
At the exit:
Thai Air Hostess: (big smile) Thank you
Me: yeah yeah
DON’T ASK ME WHAT HAPPENED AFTERWARDS. IT TOOK ME TWO DAYS TO RECOVER MY LOST SLEEP. THE BLAND THAI FOOD DIDN’T HELP MUCH EITHER.
As for Thai airways, I flew with them for another three times in those coming 10 days. I learnt to dress up more warmly, order for only Indian vegetarian and speak minimal English. They loved me so much that they threw in a complimentary Harry potter movie (or so I assumed). All in all it was a good experience!
Thai Airways- As smooth as silk worm
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